Heather Bryant on Transgender Parenting

Photo courtesy of Jacob Polcyn-Evans

Heather Bryant is the author of “My Trans Parent: a User Guide for When Your Parent Transitions.” She grew up with a transgender parent and collaborated with other trans families in the creation of her book. She is an ambassador for “People with Transgender Parents” at COLAGE, where she facilitates workshops and discussions. In this interview, Bryant discusses her experiences with a transgender parent and her mission to provide guidance and comfort to others like her through writing.

LTA: Starting off, could you explain what you do?

I'm Heather Bryant. I’m a writer, teacher, and one of the ambassadors for the People With Transgender Parents community with COLAGE, a national organization for people with one or more LGBTQ+ parents. I’ve led workshops for trans families and spoken on panels about growing up with a transgender parent, but my primary passion is writing; harnessing words and finding ways to break down any sense of separation through stories. Through writing, I hope to make connections and tell stories that help me and readers see the world in new ways.

LTA: And what is your relationship with the LGBTQ+ community? How is it intertwined with your life and experiences?

I grew up in the LGBTQ+ community. My dad came out as gay when I was a little kid and then later came out as transgender. Two of the men my dad had relationships with played important roles in my life. Then she came out as trans. We spent a lot of time as a family trying to fit into certain boxes. My dad was encouraged to play the role of my aunt for a lot of my childhood. The idea was that she would disappear into this new identity as a woman and take on a traditional woman’s role versus being known in the world as my dad. At the time, we were living in the Bay Area, but there was still a pretty powerful stigma, and so there were a lot of ways we, as a whole family, were in the closet. Even in the late 80s, being gay was not as widely accepted. I think a lot about how as a child I didn’t have any language to understand my family. I didn’t see any models on TV or out in the world. Even though my dad identified as gay, we didn’t use that word. Later, when she came out as transgender, we also didn’t use a specific word. So when my dad was gay, I just thought we were adding these men to our family. To me, they were friends and playmates, and then when my dad was trans, I witnessed a change but did not know what it meant.

“I developed an affinity to anyone who has struggled with feeling different from societal norms.”

— HEATHER BRYANT

LTA: Do you think there’s anything specific that you gained from these experiences?

I think the biggest challenge was the silence that was all around the community at the time. But the gain, I think, was a sense of empathy for anyone who has gone through a time when they felt different either because of their family or themselves. I developed an affinity to anyone who has struggled with feeling different from societal norms. 

LTA: How did being introduced to this community so early in life alter your idea or perception of the LGBTQ+ community growing up?

When I look back, especially at the early years, I think about having a lot of fun and there being a lot of laughter. I was part of this community but, in some ways, I didn’t see it. It was sort of invisible to me. Which also reflects how ordinary it was. One of the things I’ve found through writing my book is how much little kids can teach us because they’re so open to the world. As a very young child, I was open and also a part of this community that was just my world. Then later, in some ways, I distanced myself at times to try to fit in with my peers and look a certain way. I think we can draw a lot from how little kids experience the world.

“When one person transitions, the whole family transitions.”

— HEATHER BRYANT

LTA: Could you tell me a little bit about your book?

The book brings together my own experience of growing up with a transgender parent with people from all over the world. It’s structured as a guide for people with transgender parents, families, and allies, but it’s also a glimpse into our stories and how we navigate a world that often denies the existence of our families or the struggles that might come with transitioning. When one person transitions, the whole family transitions.

LTA: You said the word “guide.” When you set out to create this book what was your primary goal?

When I was a kid, no book like this existed. There were no maps or guides when my family was going through this transition. Later, I discovered COLAGE, this wonderful organization. They created a guide in 2008 for kids with trans parents. I read through that guide and thought “wow, here are people talking about my experience and telling my story.” I had never had that before. 

I had been writing short stories and essays about my family and I had envisioned my first book as being about my own experience specifically, a memoir or novel. In 2018, I was working with COLAGE to update the earlier guide when they were approached by a publisher. Along the way, the project exploded and brought in other families and experiences alongside mine. 

When I was talking to people, it made me see that I wasn’t alone and it made me see my own memories in a new light. It also opened me up to new ideas and experiences. As I was working on the book, a more significant goal came up; which was to open up a larger conversation about the shapes of families and to challenge the notion that there is one way to be a family or to be an individual.

LTA: In the process of examining your own experience and discussing the lives of these different families, did you realize any new lessons?

Just that there isn’t one way to be. And that our culture has a bias towards the binary that sometimes influences how we see gender. I found through the book my own binary blindspot. Even with a transgender parent, I saw the world on a linear spectrum from male to female and everything else was in between. Instead, gender is much bigger than that. I learned a lot from one parent who identifies as non-binary: how her gender doesn’t fit into a box, how we can try to look beyond the surface.

Also, I thought of progress as happening in a linear way for the LGBTQ+ community. I thought of the time when my family was going through this, and how far we’ve come since then. At the same time, while there has been a lot of progress, there have been backlashes, too. It’s a spiral progression. There are some places that still don’t acknowledge gender expansive families—both parents and kids. 

Photo courtesy of Jacob Polcyn-Evans

“We are part of the invisible rainbow… We can play a key role in bridging the gap in understanding.”

— HEATHER BRYANT

LTA: What would you like to see next for the LGBTQ+ community? What issues would you like to see in the spotlight?

In the documentary Raising Hell by British filmmaker Ed Webb-Ingall, he talks about wanting to see gay parents in a toothpaste commercial, in a regular everyday space. I think we’re moving in that direction away from being spotlighted to this being part of our daily lives. So, that’s definitely what I’d like to see. I was thinking of that, too, in relation to LGBTQ+ stories, which are often shelved in a specific section of the library. I’d like to see these stories woven in with all the other stories.

LTA: You give a lot of advice in your book through that guide, but is there one piece of guidance that you didn’t get to add or that you’ve given in the book that you would like to highlight right now?

There’s one quote in the book that popped up a few times. It came from an interview with a Norwegian filmmaker whose parent came out around the time mine did. He talked about coming to a place of understanding. He said, “I stopped trying to understand it because I can’t, but I just learned that some people are different, so it doesn’t really matter what they are. Don’t analyze it, just accept it. We have so much trouble understanding ourselves, you know, trying to understand everyone, we would have a really hard time, so acceptance is a much better way to go.” I love that point. If we’re a mystery to ourselves, how can we expect to understand someone else and how they experience gender? Often, when I hear people talking about these subjects, they act as if they know everything. But how do you know?

LTA: Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Growing up in an LGBTQ+ family, I didn’t always feel like people could see this part of my identity, but it was still an important part of who I am. There’s a passage in the book that talks about this. It says, “We are part of the invisible rainbow, the ones who are raised in that world, but don’t always show it on the outside. We can play a key role in bridging the gap in understanding. We know both sides. We've gone through our own journeys and landed somewhere on the spectrum between confusion and understanding. We can help people to see. We can be guides and ambassadors, joining both perspectives.” 

This can be true for our parents, too. They can bridge a gap in understanding about gender, having seen from different views. This goes back to what I said at the start about how stories can help us see the world in new ways. We need to keep sharing our stories to bridge these gaps.

Interviewed and Written by Adelaide Graham

Edited by Mai Ly Hagan

August 2020